


What I am and what I'm not

by MyDepressionIsGucci



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, I think that's it - Freeform, ask me to tag!, selfharm, twenty one pilots - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2018-07-12 16:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7113748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyDepressionIsGucci/pseuds/MyDepressionIsGucci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Control. Control's good right? Yeah, control's good. That is, if you're actually in control and it isn't Blurryface or your disorder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thoughts and Actions

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, trigger warning: if anything in the tags trigger you or make you feel at least a bit uncomfortable please do not read! Keep yourself safe and sound, drink some water if you haven’t done that today and maybe check out the other amazing stories on the site! 
> 
> And now, the disclaimer: I use this as a way of venting, I would never wish these problems upon Tyler, Josh, Jenna or anyone I may include in this, and I of course don’t believe the mean shit I say about them in this story. It’s fiction.

“Mmmh… Go away…” Tyler said, covering his head with his pillow. “Tyler, we have to get up” Josh said with a laugh. “What day is it..?” Tyler removed the pillow from his face and sat up, scratching his neck. “It’s Monday, why’re you asking?” Josh sat up in his bed across from Tyler’s. They were on tour, which meant living on a tour bus. Sure, it was a lot better than their previous van or minibus. But it was still pretty small. “I just forgot.” Tyler stated in response to what Josh had said earlier. Josh laughed and swung his feet out over the floor before placing them on the cold floor.  
Tyler watched as Josh walked out in the kitchen/living room area of the bus. Tyler decided to stay in bed for a little while, he was exhausted after what had happened last night. Blurry wouldn’t leave his mind alone, and he’d taken a few extra sleeping pills in hopes that he wouldn’t have to wake up the next morning. So today wasn’t exactly a ‘good morning’, Tyler felt rather sick, Blurry wasn’t helping at all. He always was in the back of his mind, talking constantly, reacting to everything. ‘You’re weak, you know that, right? You can’t even kill yourself, that’s weakness Tyler.’ Tyler wasn’t sure if Blurry was right, he wasn’t sure if he was wrong either, he didn’t really know anymore. If he really wanted to know he could always ask Josh. He would probably tell him- ‘Josh doesn’t care about you. He hasn’t noticed how you’re feeling, is that really what a friend would do..? You’re not his best friend, he would’ve noticed.’ “Shut up already!” Tyler hissed, Josh heard him from the other room since the door really wasn’t that thick at all. “Tyler are you okay in there?” He yelled “I’m fine, my phone’s just acting weird!” Tyler responded, trying to sound happy. It wasn’t really that hard. To act like you were fine, of course he would have to tell Josh how he felt sooner or later, but for now he put on a mask.

The first thing Tyler did was grab some new clothes from one of the drawers under the seats and then walk to the bathroom to get dressed. He hadn’t always done it like that. But now he had to. He let his fingers glide over the different sized scars on his hips as he took his trousers off. It stung, and he regretted everything about it. Josh had asked him why he suddenly began changing in the bathroom, but he’d stopped asking when Tyler kept refusing to answer. ‘He’ll leave you if you tell him, he’ll tell everyone.’ Jenna was the only one who knew. She’d been heartbroken, and Tyler had promised to never do it again if Jenna didn’t tell anyone. She’d didn’t know that he still did it. She didn’t know that he was addicted to destroying his body and mind. Tyler caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and stopped what he was doing. ‘You’ve gained weight again, haven’t you?’ Blurry asked, Tyler bit his lip, he didn’t want to respond. He didn’t need this, not right now. He sighed and sat down on the toilet seat as he took his jeans on. Had he really gained weight..? He looked at his thighs. He’d been working pretty hard lately not to gain weight. He stood up and pulled his jeans over his hips “holy s-“ he bit his lip to keep quiet. Shit. His cuts were burning, it hurt so badly… Did Josh hear that? Tyler stopped breathing for a few seconds to listen. Josh wasn’t saying anything, he didn’t know if that was a good thing though. Tyler then pulled his black hoodie over his head and quickly fixed his hair before brushing his teeth and walking out the door.

“You okay?” Josh asked, a chill crept down Tyler’s spine. “Yeah, I just, I, yeah…” Tyler smiled and sat down on the couch next to Josh. “Are you sure? You’ve been acting… I won’t say weird, but different lately.” Josh put his phone back into the pocket of his blue hoodie. “What do you mean ‘different’?” Tyler asked, he knew what Josh meant, but if he let Josh know, Josh would know something was wrong. “Well, you take forever to get ready in the morning and you constantly talk to yourself. You know you can just talk to me, right?” Josh asked, not wanting to get into detail right now, he had a feeling that Tyler didn’t want to either. ‘Don’t say anything, he’ll leave you. The fans will leave you. How do you expect them to look up to someone as miserable as you..?’ Blurry almost sang. “I…” Tyler took a deep breath and held his head in his hands. It was too late now, Josh knew something was off now. “Well,” Josh took a deep breath, it didn’t seem like Tyler wanted to talk about it right now. “Do you wanna go to Taco Bell?” He asked, grabbing Tyler’s arm, it felt skinnier than usual. Tyler tried not to move, though it hurt, that’s the price of not eating enough, everything hurts. “I’m not really hungry right now, maybe later.” Tyler smiled, Josh stood up and got out of the bus. He had to do something about the situation, he just didn’t know what. It hurt for Josh to see Tyler like this, it really did. He knew that Jenna knew more about the situation, but what was he supposed to say or do? They couldn’t force him to go home from the tour. That would probably make things even worse. Cause he at least had to eat now in order to not pass out on stage, which Made Josh feel a little safer. Still, it didn’t help much. He pulled out his phone and debated wether or not to send Jenna a text. ‘Would it even help?’ Tyler asked himself and bit his lower lip. He wasn’t sure at all. He began to walk, he decided that he’d buy something for Tyler even if he said he didn’t want any. Josh knew Tyler was hungry, and that he needed it. 

It was a pain to go out and do all of this normal stuff. You know, stuff everyone does, like getting food, walking in public, sometimes even breathing. Anxiety was a pain. It kept him from doing some of the stuff he would like to not worry about. Like getting food for his friend who needed it. The line took what felt like a century, though, when Josh looked at his phone it was only two minutes later. When he had gotten the box of tacos he turned around to get back to the tour bus when he heard it… “Oh my god!” A girl behind him shrieked and ran up to him. She’d been sitting at one of the tables in the restaurant, if you could even call it that. “Josh! Oh my god! I’m a huge fan oh god, I never- oh my god!” She kept saying ‘oh my god’. Josh loved his fans, don’t get me wrong, his anxiety was just worse today. And he really needed to get home to Tyler. “H-hey” Josh smiled and straightened his back a little to seem bigger and less scared. “Can you sign something for me?” She jumped up and down in excitement. “Yeah of course” he tried to stay calm though it was hard. The girl went off to find a marker or something so he could sign her shirt. She came back a few moments later and and Josh quickly signed her shirt before leaving. 

“So, I was thinking,” Tyler began as soon as Josh stepped inside “what if we only had piano and drums?” Tyler flipped a few papers over, he was working on a new song Josh noted. “For which one?” Josh sat down next to Tyler and grabbed a piece of paper, placing the taco box next to him. “You know the…” Tyler began humming a melody, Josh quickly recognised it. “That would probably work, yeah.” He nodded and gave the paper to Tyler. “I can’t focus right now” Tyler sighed and placed his head in his hands. “You’re probably just hungry” Josh knew he was right, but Tyler wouldn't admit it. “No, it’s not that” Tyler looked at Josh who was opening the box of tacos. ‘If you ask for one he’ll think you’re greedy’ Blurry said, Tyler believed him so he didn’t dare to ask Josh. “I met a fan while I was getting tacos” Josh said before taking a bite. “She was pretty excited” Josh said between bites “that’s nice.” Tyler didn’t really know what to say other than that. “Yeah” Josh agreed and Tyler sighed. They’d usually talk hours on end but Tyler didn’t really have much energy left in him, especially not while they were on tour.


	2. Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short and quick, so it probably isn't that great. 
> 
> I was going to post it earlier, but then Christina Grimmie died, and I had to just take it all in.

The birds were chirping as the two of them made their way to the mall. None of them wanted to go, Josh didn’t want to go because of his anxiety and Tyler didn’t want to go because Josh wanted him to pick food he would actually eat. What Josh didn’t know was that Tyler could spend hours on picking out a loaf of bread. Tyler’s thoughts were blurry, not because of the character, simply because he hadn’t eaten in a day. “Spaghetti?” Josh asked, making Tyler jump, he hadn’t been listening. “What?” He looked at his friend “would you like some spaghetti?” Josh elaborated. “Nah, I’m not really in the mood, plus it’s like… It’s really hot today you know so… Spaghetti just isn’t something you want on a hot day…” Tyler lied, right now he would eat anything. “Oh, yeah… Of course” Josh said, it seemed rather hopeless, but he didn’t want his friend to go without food. “What about ice cream then?” Josh suggested as they stepped inside. “That’s not food though…” Tyler said while going through the calories in basic vanilla ice cream. ‘Too much’ Blurry said, but then again, Blurry said that about every single food. “You have to eat something, Tyler. I’m worried about you” Josh stated hoping that Tyler would give in. “There’s nothing to be worried about” Tyler lied, he wanted Josh to be worried but at the same time he didn’t want it. It was a constant conflict between Tyler and Blurry. “If you don’t eat something we’ll have to cancel the tour” Josh said and finally Tyler gave in. “Okay…” Why was it so hard to say yes to something so natural? Tyler bit his lower lip, it was so hard and he felt like a complete failure.

“Tyler can’t you just pick something?” Josh was getting impatient. They’d been there for at least an hour now. “Y-yeah, hold on” Tyler didn’t know what to do, all of it had so many calories in it. He couldn’t just pick a random item. “What about a smoothie..?” Josh suggested, sure it wasn’t food, but it’d give him nutrients, right? Josh knew it was better than nothing. Tyler stood there for a moment before responding, he didn’t want Blurry to interrupt “yeah, let’s do that” he smiled and nodded. 

Josh wasn’t sure about how long he would have to wait. When would it be too far? Tyler would end up passim out onstage if Josh didn’t do anything about all of this. Even though Tyler wouldn’t admit it, Josh knew he wanted help deep down. But it was hard to do anything about it cause Josh couldn't exactly cancel the tour. That would make the situation even worse. Plus he couldn't do that to the fans, right? But it was his best friend… Josh sighed and placed his head in his hands. Tyler sat next to him on the couch in the bus. He was doing his best to actually drink the smoothie. Josh knew that, but it just didn't seem like it. Why couldn't he just eat? 

“What’s up, Josh?” Tyler looked over at Josh in confusion, though he had an idea of what was wrong. Josh just sat there for a while without saying anything, he wasn’t sure what to say, or how to say it. Tyler understood so he placed the glass on the floor and wrapped an arm around his friend. “Is there anything I can do?” Tyler asked, he hated seeing anyone like this, especially his best friend. Josh placed his hands on his knees and looked over at his friend. “Try to eat some more, if not for yourself, do it for Jenna, the fans, and I.” Tyler was silent, why did he even have to think about it? It was FOOD, something you NEED to survive. ‘It’s all your fault, look at what you’ve done, you’re pissing him off, he hates you-‘ Blurry’s voice was deeper now ‘-no one likes you anymore.’ Tyler tried to ignore Blurry and managed not to show Josh what was going on inside. He couldn’t tell Josh how he felt right now, not when he felt like that. That’d be a horrible thing to do.   
Right?


	3. No Sound To Hide Behind

“Tyler!” Blurry. “Tyler?” Blurry. “Tyler, are you okay?” Blurry. “Are you okay?” Blurry. “Talk to me!” Blurry. “What’s going on?” Everything was a blurry mess and all Tyler saw was blurry faces all around. The fans weren’t singing along anymore, they were silent. Except for the few whispers.

“I’m sorry, are you listening?” The woman next to Tyler asked, now holding the microphone to his face. “Y-yeah, sorry, I just-“ Tyler didn't know how to respond. “Uh, sorry, we’re both kinda exhausted from our show last night” Josh interrupted, saving Tyler. “Do you want me to ask you the question again?” The interviewer asked, Tyler couldn't remember her name. He couldn't even remember the name of the radio station. He could barely remember last night’s show. All he had in mind was food, and how many calories he was burning by moving his leg up and down. “U-uh…Yeah,” the woman nodded and asked the question for a second time “what would you say is the best thing about touring? Is it the fans? The people the food-“ “-it's not the food. At all.” Just the mention of food made him sick. He couldn't stand it. “What I think Tyler is saying is: We only eat junk food. So the best part for me is being able to see our fans every day.” Josh ended with a smile. “Yeah, I really love the idea of people gathering just to listen to music. That's pretty sick.” At this point Tyler really didn't know what he was saying, everything was so distant to him. Almost like a dream. Josh kept answering for Tyler, while Tyler stared off into the distance. He kept thinking, not even hearing anyone around him. Would anyone remember him for who he was when he was gone he wondered. Would they only remember his music? Would they only remember this confident person he showed on stage. Would they only remember Blurry?

Part of the clique had caught on; they had noticed how lanky and fragile Tyler looked now. The dark circles underneath his eyes. Tyler knew that, he hated it and loved it at the same time. He wanted to be tiny and fragile. He needed to.   
As Tyler and Josh got back on the bus, Tyler began to feel heavy. As if something was pushing him down, seconds later he was on the ground with Josh next to him. “You didn’t eat, did you?” Josh asked, Tyler shook his head in response. Josh took Tyler’s hand “it’s not worth it, okay?” Josh asked, Tyler didn’t know what to say. Deep down he knew that Josh was right, but he just needed this more than anything. “Tyler…” Josh let go off his friends’ hand. “I think we’re gonna have to cancel the show tonight…” Tyler tried to get back up on his legs, he couldn’t believe what Josh was saying. There was nothing wrong, sure, he’d passed out, but it wasn’t going to happen on stage. “We can’t-“ “- well, we have to, you can’t-…” Josh bit his lower lip and paused “- you can’t keep going like this, you need help.” Josh stated, standing up. “I don’t need anything,” Tyler almost hissed in response. “Fine, but I’m not going on stage with you.” Josh didn’t want to cancel either, of course not, but he also didn’t want Tyler to get hurt. The two looked at each other without saying anything. “I’ll go tell the crew that the show’s cancelled…” Josh said with a heavy heart as he turned around towards the door. Tyler didn’t say anything; he had trouble thinking let alone talking. As soon as Tyler saw that Josh was gone, he went to the bathroom. ‘This is your fault, those kids needed you and you failed them’ Blurry said, if only he could shut up for once. ‘You know what you have to do, right?’ He asked; though he didn’t have a face you could clearly hear the smile in his voice. Tyler’s hand went to his hip, he’d tried his best not to go back to this again. What would Josh think if he found out? What would Jenna say? He sat down with his back against the wall. If only he could escape all of this…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is shit.


	4. Fake You Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler struggles with food, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been two years but here I am, I found this and thought it wasn't terrible. So you best believe I'm back on my bullshit

The morning wasn't pleasant, at all. Tyler had barely slept, he certainly hadn't eaten, and he’d spent most of the night in the bathroom contemplating whether or not to hurt himself. He hadn't done it, and he honestly wasn't sure if he was proud or disappointed in himself. Blurry, of course, saw it as a weakness. Tyler and Josh hadn't spoken yet, and neither had looked on social media. Josh had written a public apology letter vaguely describing the circumstances at hand.

“We’d like to apologise for cancelling tonight's show. It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that personal affairs have interfered with our lives on stage, and we do not feel that it is fair for anyone attending our concerts to not see us at our best mentally.   
Sorry, Josh.”

He’s posted it on the bands twitter, and then hadn't bothered to look at any form of social media since. It really did bother him, to think about how people were waiting for a chance to meet the two and now it had been ripped away from them. And who knew when they’d return, if they’d return.   
Tyler checked his phone, he’d gotten a lot of messages, though he couldn't even concentrate enough to even read them. ‘Good,’ Blurry thought, but of course he did. It was about ten, the Tyler would usually be up by that time, just not on that day. Josh was nowhere to be found on the bus, he had probably gone for a run. Tyler stumbled to the kitchen, he opened the small fridge and peaked inside. ‘Don't, you're not going to eat. Do you want control or not?’ “Shut up…” Tyler mumbled in response, he needed something. He felt like he was about to pass out any second so he sat down on the floor, still looking into the fridge. ‘Everyone will leave you if you gain anything’ “I hate you, shut up!” And Blurry didn't seem to respond. Maybe he was gone for good, Tyler highly doubted it. In the same moment Josh entered the bus, he’d heard everything. “Tyler…” “Will you help me? I need something to eat.” Tyler felt like breaking down completely. He immediately regretted saying it, even though he meant it. He just clung onto his eating disorder, he always had. “Of course. Let's get you on the couch first though” Josh helped Tyler get to his feet and guided him to the couch. Tyler was seeing dark spots all over and his vision was blurred, it terrified him, he didn't want to die like that. Not yet at least. “I have leftovers from Taco Bell, want some?” Josh asked and Tyler hesitated to answer at first but managed to nod. “Alright, Taco Bell it is” Josh smiled and handed the box to his friend. For a moment Tyler just sat there while Josh sat down next to him. He was holding the box and he could feel his heart pounding, he knew he needed to eat, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was terrified to eat, what if Blurry was right? What if he was gaining. He couldn't do it. “Tyler…” Josh's voice was almost sad, it pained him in an indescribable way to see his friend of so many years be unable to even eat. “I can’t do it Josh, I just can't.” His voice cracked and he felt the tears pressing on, and a lump in his throats that wouldn't go away. “I think we have to cancel the tour, it's just not healthy for you.” Josh stated, placing a hand on his friends back. He could easily feel his spine through his shirt and he almost said something, but decided not to. Tyler could no longer stop himself from crying, he broke down. He placed his face in his hands, dropping the box on the floor. He didn't want to cry, he didn't want to show weakness. “I’m so scared Josh” he said between sobs, taking in a deep breath each time. Josh noticed how cold Tyler was, it was worrying. “I know, but you have to get better” Josh pulled his friend in for a hug. Now he could feel Tyler’s ribs on his back, it was rather gross, but he didn't say anything.

“If I eat…” Tyler said, drying the tears away from his face with his shirt. “Yes?” “Can we still tour?” The two were silent for a while. Josh wasn't sure if Tyler could handle it, but he knew that it would possibly make Tyler feel even worse to cancel the tour. “Yes, if you eat we’ll continue touring.” Josh said with a smile, maybe Tyler would finally be able to eat something, he sounded motivated enough. Josh knew how horrible eating disorders were, or even mental illnesses in general. He didn't quite understand the motivation between an eating disorder, but he wanted to help in any way possible so his friend could get better.   
Tyler picked the box up off the ground and took a deep breath. ‘Don’t do it, Josh just wants you to be fat’ and Blurry was back. He hated his thought process it had always made him insecure about everything, he just didn't know how to make it stop. Tyler finally opened the box and looked at the taco inside. He took a deep breath and picked the taco up in his shaking hand. He wondered if it was possibly to consume calories through your skin, or maybe the air? He tried to prepare himself mentally, this would be good for him, for the fans. He needed to do it for everyone else. He took a bite and his first thought was to spit it out, but he didn't do it. He had to do this for the fans. He felt like the tears press on as he took another bite. He was almost done with the taco when he began to cry. Josh assured him that he would be okay and that he certainly wouldn't gain any weight from a single taco, though Tyler found that hard to believe.   
He hated the feeling of having food in his stomach, he wanted to do everything he could to exercise it off or maybe… No he wouldn't make himself sick, he’d promised Jenna that he would never go that far. He sighed at the thought of not being able to get the calories out of his system. He just sat there for a while, trying to call himself down. Josh was still next to him, he didn't quite know what to say or do. He just made sure that his friend knew that he was there to support him.

“You ready?” Josh smiled as he looked out on stage. They were about to perform in front of a rather large crowd, though it wasn't the largest crowd on tour. Tyler nodded with a smile, he was in a good mood for once. He usually was just before going out on stage, maybe it was the adrenaline. The crowd was screaming, they knew the two would be coming out on stage soon.   
The drone sounds of HeavyDirtySoul came on and the crowd cheered even louder. Josh ran out to the drums and Tyler ran the other way around.

As the show progressed Tyler felt more and more exhausted, his eyelids became heavier with every second. His heart was pounding out of his chest and his body began to feel heavy again. He didn't want to stop the show though, he had to push through, and so he did.

Tyler and Josh stood together on the stage, holding onto each other as they looked out at the crowd. Trees was over, the speech went well, even though Tyler was certain he screwed some of it up. His mind was so blurry.

“We are twenty one pilots and so are y-” Tyler didn't finish his statement before everything went black. Josh was over him, trying to get him to wake up. You could hear fans screaming Tyler’s name out of worry. But Josh was too worried to even hear them. He was caught up in trying to get Tyler back to consciousness. 


	5. A beautifully plain Taxi cab

“Tyler!” Blurry. “Tyler?” Blurry. “Tyler, are you okay?” Blurry. “Are you okay?” Blurry. “Talk to me!” Blurry. “What’s going on?” Everything was a blurry mess and all Tyler saw was blurry faces all around. The fans weren’t singing along anymore, they were silent. Except for the few whispers.

The fans had been screaming before, but they weren't anymore. How long had he been gone? He desperately wanted to escape, he didn't want anyone to see him like that, especially not the clique. Nothing seemed quite real, it was as if he was dreaming. He sat up with the help of Josh. He was then carried outside to an ambulance, though it all happened in a daze. Josh went with him, of course he did. Josh couldn't just send Tyler off to the hospital alone. He was impressed with himself, he’d kept himself relatively calm, but now he could definitely feel a panic attack pressing it’s way out. He remembered to breath, and try to think of something else. He could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket, the news about Tyler had probably already gone out and people wanted to know if he was okay.   
He looked up at the singer who was staring up into the nothingness. “Josh…” Tyler’s voice was weak. “Yes?” “What happened?” The two’s eyes met for a second before Josh looked away. “You fainted again” Josh sighed, he felt completely hopeless, sometimes Tyler made him wish he could just escape. He loved Tyler like a brother, but the stress he underwent due to Tyler’s disorder made it hard to remain happy. Of course he could never leave Tyler, but it just became a lot. Tyler didn't know what to respond, he just couldn't stop thinking about what would happen next. Would it be possible to lie to the doctors? Part of him wanted to recover but another part just wanted to keep going.   
All he heard was the sirens on the ambulance as they drove to the hospital. They finally arrived and Tyler was just realising how an examination could potentially ruin everything about the tour. If it was discovered the he was hurting himself he could possibly be forced into hospitalisation, couldn't he? Or if they discovered that he fainted due to malnutrition he could be forced into recovery. He wasn't sure, but Josh certainly wouldn't allow the tour to continue, if there was even a single chance left at that point. 

“Tyler Robert Joseph” the doctor looked at his computer screen. “I’ve been told that you fainted, any idea why that might be?” The doctor looked at Tyler whose skin colour was almost matching the white walls around them. Tyler sighed and thought about what to say before finally breaking the silence “I forgot to drink water.” He lied through his teeth and he wasn't entirely sure whether or not the doctor believed him. The doctor wrote something down on the computer. It was an old program, it almost looked like a website in 2009. “Have you experienced any symptoms leading up to the incident?” “I was exhausted. Dizzy… uh” Tyler thought about it for a moment, his mind was still a fuzz. “You haven't experienced any chest pains?” Tyler’s heart sank faster than it could beat. “A little…” “how would you describe the pain?” The doctor wrote the symptoms down. “Like my chest was tightening, I guess?” “Alright, I need to exam you real quick before we decide what to do next. So if you could just lift up your shirt” the doctor stood up went to a few drawers to get what he needed to examine Tyler. He didn't want to pull his shirt up, but he knew that he didn't exactly have a choice so he did it. He felt a sharp pain in his hips as the fabric moved over the rather fresh cuts that still hadn't healed yet. Not even Josh knew yet, only Jenna. And now a complete stranger would know, not only that, but a doctor. Maybe it would be best if he just left the hospital, they probably couldn’t force him to stay. 

The doctor stayed calm and professional as he spoke, which came as no surprise, it was his job after all. Tyler still couldn’t help but feel like he’d messed everything up. Like he was a burden to anyone around him, including the doctor. It turned out that there wasn’t anything wrong with Tyler’s heart, which was a relief. His blood pressure was just too low. In a way it comforted him. Though he wouldn’t be able to fool Josh anymore, and the doctor strongly advised that Tyler went home. But he couldn’t cancel any more shows. Perhaps he could just tell the fans that he hadn’t gotten enough water?   
He sighed as he went out of the hospital, Josh by his side. They were both silent while they waited for their taxi. Tyler couldn’t help but think about what Josh was thinking about him, it was killing him. The street was dark and the only thing the illuminated the street was a few streetlights and a handful of windows. It was soothing in a way, it felt like you were stuck in time. Only once did a car drive past them while they waited.  
They finally got to their bus after an incredibly long and silent ride. It felt ten times longer than it actually was because of the fear the two of them had. The two entered the two bus and Josh felt the emotions rush over him. Almost as if his body had realised that he was no longer in public so he could finally show how worried he was. He rushed to the bathroom just so he wouldn’t worry Tyler, he had too much to worry about already. Josh was concerned he’d make it all worse, but maybe that was just because of his anxiety, he wasn’t sure. 

He felt his breath shorten as he sat down with his back against the now locked bathroom door. He tried to breathe but it didn’t seem to work. Every time he reached for a breath it seemed to move further and further away from him. He’d experienced it before, many times, but it never got better. You couldn’t get used to something like that. In the back of his mind he couldn’t help but wonder ‘maybe this was a heart attack’, even though he obviously knew it was ‘just’ a panic attack. He felt as if it was his fault in some twisted way, although he knew he had nothing to do with what happened to Tyler, was he selfish? Shit, maybe he was?   
His thoughts were racing through his head, screaming at him, louder and louder. He had no control over the thoughts, it was all too much. 

“Josh?” Tyler’s frail voice asked from the other side of the door. Josh didn’t answer, he couldn’t speak. “Are you okay in there?” Still no response. “Would you mind unlocking the door?” Josh did so, and moved away from the door, still sitting on the floor. Tyler opened the door and as soon as he saw Josh he sat down next to him. “Breathe with me” Tyler softly commanded as he made sure to slow his breath down and take in as much air as possible. It took some time but Josh managed to slow his breath down a bit. Still, the thoughts wouldn’t stop. “It’s going to be okay, everything is going to be fine.” Tyler wasn’t sure if he believe himself, of course Josh would be fine. But everything?   
Tyler took his friends hand and Josh tightened his grip around it. It usually helped Josh, it helped him feel grounded in a way. “You know I care about you,”  
Tyler smiled as he spoke, and you could clearly hear it in his voice. 

“Don’t be afraid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! It was interesting to write something that focused a bit more on Josh.


End file.
